


Something I Should Never Have

by cullenlovesmen (handersmyheart)



Series: Bi!Cullen fics [1]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II
Genre: Angst, M/M, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-04
Updated: 2018-09-04
Packaged: 2019-07-06 23:21:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15896214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/handersmyheart/pseuds/cullenlovesmen
Summary: Beneath his heavy armor and stern disposition, Cullen is just a man. A man doomed by a bright smile and a pair of piercing eyes.





	Something I Should Never Have

Cullen leans against a wall, gazing at the courtyard from the window, his arms crossed against his chest. He’s been standing there for a while, treating himself to a rare break between his duties. He should be taking a nap or having a snack, but neither of those ideas seem appealing in comparison to this particular indulgence he’s allowing himself.

It’s pitiful, really, but Cullen stopped deluding himself a long time ago. He’s a pitiful man. 

Ser Carver is training outside, swinging his heavy two-hander at a training dummy. His movements sharp, but graceful. Strong, determined, bold maneuvers that would strike down any opponent that would dare to challenge the young man. His strikingly blue eyes are focused, a crease formed between his eyebrows, his mouth a fine line, and he breathes heavily through his flaring nostrils.

As far as Cullen is concerned, he’s the embodiment of all that is righteous and honorable, all that is beautiful in this world and the next. He closes his eyes and lets his mind wonder for a bit, picturing the rippling muscles under the heavy plate armor. How sweaty he must be, how salty his skin would taste on his tongue, how he would feel pressed against his chest, and how he would smell if he were to press his nose behind his ear. 

With an inaudible sigh, Cullen opens his eyes and leans closer to the wall, slipping further into the shadow. He’s a weak man, his body’s reactions out of control and his mind so effortlessly wandering to places it has no right going. If only it was just him, things would be much easier. He can live with his self-loathing, but.

_Ser Carver watching him across the breakfast table, a bright smile stealing his features upon their eyes locking. Ser Carver brushing past him in a hallway, a desperate gaze, the back of his hand briefly dragging against Cullen’s thigh. Ser Carver gasping “Knight-Captain” when they’re dueling, his mouth too close to his ear by no accident, his voice unforgivably breathy, the word hot and damp in the air._

If he was a stronger man, he would put a swift end to the younger man’s misplaced fancy. He would never encourage him with his eyes, never respond with a blush to his subtle innuendos, never lean into the unnecessary touches. He would simply box his feelings away, add Ser Carver to the long list of _“Things I can never have,”_ and be done with it. 

But as it happens, he is a broken man. Cullen gazes at the raven-haired man now cleaning his sword, praying he won’t seek out his window - he always does - and see him there, his cheeks flushed and his eyes no doubt softer than they have any right being. Cullen doesn’t know how long he has, how long before he gambles what little he has for everything that he wants. 

_Maker, have mercy on me._

**Author's Note:**

> Comments (including concrit) and kudos always welcome. Come say hi on [Tumblr](https://cullenlovesmen.tumblr.com)!


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